i jhust puked up my retainher.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
