Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
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