if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
if i died would you start the facebook group?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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