If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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