So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
