I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
