this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
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