so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
