I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
