I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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