Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
You took a bar mat shot.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
