this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
