420 ftw
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
