a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize