Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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