Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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