i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
