So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
