You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize