She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Randomize
