I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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