I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
