Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Randomize
