The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
