Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You dont lie about slip and slides
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
