just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
