Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
