I can text with my tongue
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
