I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Randomize
