Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
