my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
3 2 1 whiskey
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
