3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize