Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Randomize