You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
