You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Randomize
