The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
