i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
