im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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