Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
