K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
