For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize