I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
