Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
