If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
