there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Randomize
