You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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