I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
