Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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