I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
whose parrot is this?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
