if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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