maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
