have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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