She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
