***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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