i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
