Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
