Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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