can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
