I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
