Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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